Damsel in Distress

This story is about some people whom I met where I stayed and I slept with them. Oh noo. Nooo.. noo.. aiyyiyyo..do not get me wrong. They happen to be my roommates and we have separate beds and it’s a SHE. I have had the luxury of spending time with some nice people during my stay here. But that doesn’t mean that I would be denied a chance of meeting some devils. This one happens to be one.

My first roommate was a very nice bong lady. Very sweet in her talk as well as approach. Within a night she knew about my family and I knew about hers. Sometimes it’s easier to open up to strangers. My 2nd roommate was even better. My 3rd roommate was from HR and I never ever had a difficult time dealing with any of them. In fact I didn’t have to deal with them. Time passed with them pleasurably with some people asking if we knew each other since long. But with each roommate coming and going, there was always this anticipation within, that how would my next room mate be? This hat trick of fate of good roomies was too good to be true.

There comes in my 4th roommate. I come back in the evening. After enquiring at the reception, I was told that my roommate was in the room. I go upstairs and I ring the bell. Ting Tong….its more like ki kii…ki…ki….ki.kic..kick….wait now say it loud with me… ki kii…ki…ki….ki.kic..kick……yeah that’s my annoying doorbell. But there was no response..so I went again.. ki kii…ki…ki….ki.kic..kick…. no response. Now I suppress the urge to bang on the door. After a long tiring day, meeting all kinds of people+ JAs in the office+ some non –stop staring in the bus, you don’t want to come home and bang on the door. From underneath the door I could see that there was no light in the room. So I assumed she might be in the bathroom. So I go again ki kii…ki…ki….ki.kic..kick….How long does it take to wrap up that business after 4-5 bells?

Now I reach the reception. “My roommate is not opening the door”. They asked me if I rang the bell. I said I did it thrice. One.. Two.. Three. Thrice. But there is no response. Ma’am since you rang the bell and you could hear it, that means that the key holder, the source of power in our room, must have the key in it & so your room must have your room mate in the room. With each second passing, I didn’t get a good feel of this new one. After making several telephonic calls to my room for 2-3 minutes he agreed to let me in using a duplicate key. Searching for duplicate keys took him another 5 minutes and I couldn’t stand this anymore.

So I climb those 16 stairs again and walk 25 footsteps to my room and then again ring the bell. ki kii…ki…ki….ki.kic..kick….This time I trying fiddling around with the doorknob and EUREKA it opened. It opened and I was shown the room. It was pitch dark with the key holder having the key but all lights switched off.
Now I am mad. I am mad as to how can people be so careless not caring enough to lock a door when they are sharing their belongings with others too? So I call up the receptionist & tell him very firmly that I couldn’t risk such things again and asked him to tell my room mate not to repeat this in future. He agreed.

It’s dinner time. I forget to lock my purse and plonk it in on a chair in my room and try to get as fast as possible to reception to deposit the key and move to the dinner room to feed the rats jumping in my stomach. After having a sumptuous dinner, I go back to the reception who says that the key is with my roommate. Oh no.. this is happening again..i went back to my room and it was DEJAVU…I thought I was dreaming for a while. But then no. it was true. It happened again. She didn’t lock the door, but the key was there in the room and all the lights were switched off. I am pissed now. This time the risk being much much higher. After all my purse on the chair has all valuable lotions, sunscreens, lipgloss, scarfs, comb, Kajal, face cream and all the stuff without which I would look like a complete dork. This is an offence. Punishable offence.

I eat some chocolates and try to bring down my BP. I go to the washroom. It’s all wet. Wondered if a tsunami had come in. Indians need some serious training on bathroom etiquettes. I ignore and gently tread in. Its 11 and there are no signs of my room mate. I had seen some documentaries on discovery channel talking about the existence of paranormal or supernatural powers existing in some rooms. Yeah sometimes even guesthouses. Haunted houses. I wondered if I had been a victim of that with the entire thing being a dream and me dreaming in a dream. But then my doorbell goes ki kii…ki…ki….ki.kic..kick….and I am shaken out of my reverie.

There stood a lady who was coughing, had long hair and was looking tired. I found that she was my roommate. Then she started telling me that she was from so and so town from the south part of the country and probably has never been outside that place and doesn’t know any other language also. She didn’t like this place, the food, the people and the usual rigmarole. I hmmmned for a while and then attacked. I asked her why she didn’t lock the door. She said “I didn’t know how to? ” (Whatttt? Voices in my head)( Calm down archie.. calm down…Another voice in my head). “Ok no issues”. I manage to get a smile on my face and give her an immediate demo on “how to open and close the door in the guest house” at 11 PM in the night. I have never ever given training during that time of the night let it be to my onsite or offshore team.

Then I go to sleep. Then I heard those familiar voices. Voices of people speaking in my mother tongue but on TV. On channels that I detest but my mother adores. They beat the crap out of me. I somehow fall asleep bracing myself to the thoughts that this agony was going to continue for another 4 weeks, for that’s how long my new roommate stays. Oh did I tell you her name? Her name means one of the beautiful breathtaking apsaras of heaven. I do not know what these damsels did for 1000s of years back but I can tell what this one did. She had some of her traits carried with her for years.

Day2 she asks me if I like the food. How are they cooking the food here? The quality of rice is awful and what is that thing that is round and made out of wheat. It’s so thin (yes she was referring to the chapattis). And what is that thing so thin and yellow in color. Its nothing compared to what they make back at home. Non-stop nonsense for 3 minutes. I heard her out and then went straight for dinner. She was still sick.

Anyway, after coming back to the room she dives into the bed. Straight. I mean straight. You have dinner and then straight to bed. You do not even change your office clothes. Then you wake up after 10 minutes realizing that you forgot to sip water. Before you sleep or you get up there are some rituals to be followed. Emmm….hmmmmm…hmmm….ummmmm….ehm…..jhk,mmm….
Put that in a loop and play it 10 times..with different voice modulations. Breathe heavily and take in oxygen slowly and gently push it out too, with other noises, whatever you can make. Then there is adjusting of the throat with whatever you have in it. And all the above happens with my presence in the room without an utterance of “Excuse me” from the other party.

Day3- She is shaking today. I take sympathy and give her one of my stoles which might keep her warm. She takes it and keeps it on her bed. Again there is some grumbling about food. Then are some talks about how she wants to get married and how she has been forsaken in the good darnned place and how she has to go back and save the world. Rather save her world and get married by conducting some pre-marriage rituals.

I do not understand those rituals so I ask honesty, “What are those rituals?” She replies “You know those rituals.” I again poke and ask “What rituals ma.. I know nothing Pls explain”. Now I am curious. Deep silence. Then she admits that even she doesn’t know but there are some rituals to be performed. I hope they are no black magic. Then there is this desperate desire within her to run out of this place and how she longs to go back. Yeah I know I am repeating but this is what has happened. Now she pops the question “Should I inform someone in the office when I am leaving the project?” I am too numbed.
(Whhhatttt??? Did I hear you right…You duffer..you… you….. don’t you inform your manager. You know your manager right? I’m psyched out. You have 4 years of work experience under your belt and you ask me this question.. OMG..What should I do? What should I do? I have tears in my eyes, tears of self pity. I ask myself what did I do to deserve this.)

Oh no it doesn’t stop at this. After being in the guest house for about a week some ask me
- Where is the laundry? Its right in front of where you have had food 21 times in the last week.
- Will they reimburse the laundry money to me? ( Ask your manager na)
- Don’t we get cold water? I turned the knob they have only cold water. (Try turning the other knob, honey)
- Don’t they have shower here? (oh no not Again…)
- Where do I dry my clothes? (Areeee…)

She sleeps before me and wakes up after me. So how does she know when do I sleep and when do I wake up? On this unfortunate day I wake up late only to find her occupying the bathroom. Its 7:30 in the morning. When I told her if she could vacate since she has got to go late, she says she has a meeting at 8 and since I normally woke up at 7:30 she thought that would be fine. Now how on earth did you know I woke up at 7:30 when you slept early and woke up after I leave? I persisted and left before her. What kind of meeting are they conducting at 8 in the morning with new comers required?

Everyday there are new set of questions which are ready to zonk me. I politely answer and pretend to dig into a book. Now that people are slowly recovering, so are their annoying habits. More energy->more annoyance-> less time at work.-> 0 travel time->More time in front of the TV-> More of south Indian channels-> More Amrutanjan Balm for me. She was hooked on hopelessly. On a fine day I caught her watching some reality police crime scene show. These shows create unnecessary fear and anxiety in us. Very less of what they show is true and more of publicity and grossness. Again I am curious. Honestly. When asked why she wants to watch such things the answer is “I am not allowed to watch such things at home. It’s profane. It’s tabooed.” How old are you honey? 24-25. My mouth is still open.

Since last few days I find my stole lying on her bed. After some days I get the message & take back my stole & don’t give it back. People don’t even have the courtesy to wash it or dry clean it once they have used it. What was I thinking when I gave it to her. Cheeeee…

The routine continues. It’s weekend. She gets up and the 1st thing to be done is? Yes you guessed it right. Turn on the TV baby. Again some familiar voices and the same old story. You don’t want people doing that to you on a Sunday morning. Oh by the way, she doesn’t like go out during weekends. She just likes to eat-sleep-watch TV- do some eummm….hmmmn.. u…..etc. You know right. That’s Saturday and Sunday for her. I come back on Saturday evening and try to use the washroom. This time it’s still tsunami but with the tsunami there are some remains in the sink that makes me want to puke. There are tissues everywhere, water and handful of hair in the sink.

I go out and request her to clean up that mess. Her phone goes “Tring Tring”. So I wait patiently till the interesting call of how are you? Did you eat? What did you eat? Goes on endlessly. Once done I again request her.

Me: would you mind cleaning up that place?
SHE: I do not know what to do with it? It feels weird. (Desperation in voice).
Me: Sorry I didn’t get you. Can you clean up the place?
SHE: I have never done that before. (Plea in her voice)
Me: No problem. Come here. Ill help you out.
SHE: No I won’t do it. I have never done this. How can I remove my own hair (from the head).
Its so eee..(Disgust in her voice)
Me: Why can’t you do it? It’s your hair. I cannot bath there with your stuff lurking around. Pls clean it up.
SHE: All the maids at my place take care of this. I do not do such things. It’s beneath me. (Annoyance in her voice).
Me: Can you please clean it up? (Authority in my voice).
SHE: When I stayed in hostel and other places, all my roommates have lived like this. We adjusted. They never complained. (Anger in her voice).
Me: (How disgusting were your room mates. How can you live in a place with 80% of your sink clogged with hair) Can you Pls clean it up? Even I have stayed with room mates and I have never ever lived like this. (Threat in my voice)
SHE: (Her highness got emotional). NOBODY HAS EVER SPOKEN TO ME LIKE THIS. EVER
Me: (in my head) Yes Ms. Damsel. The apsara from heave,n why don’t you carry a maid of yours who can tail with you. It would be easier to survive. You have been doing that for ages. In which birth did you forget her? Where did you lose her? Let’s go find her. Lets go.

I have heard a lot about how breathing exercises are beneficial for one’s health. They do something something to you and you are healed of many diseases. There is one exercise called “Kapabhati” which is considered to be very effective. It consists of rapid breathing taking in lots of oxygen and releasing a larger amount of carbon-di-oxide. I found myself a victim of someone else’s kapalbhati.

With all the energy that she could summon, she started performing an exaggerated version of kapalbhati, sucking in the oxygen that even I had to breathe and called up housekeeping to clean up the room. I went running to the balcony to find some air. Uff…some fresh air. Some fresh air..aahaah..

That was the end of it. Housekeeping fellow came and cleaned the room. We never spoke again after that incident. Then comes in Sunday. On Sunday evening as I planned to stay outside the room, I came back to collect my stuff for the night and left in a hurry. In this hurry I had forgotten some stuff that made me go back to my room and perform the kii…ki…ki….ki.kic..kick ritual again. Now at 10 o clock in the night, when you are deep into the TV and have to move 10 inches to open the door, it’s a herculean task you see. So it took her about 2 minutes to open the door and before that a lot of ….hmmmmm…hmmm….ummmmm….ehm…..jhk to get out of her bed. I bet even an 8 month old pregnant lady would have been much more active. Well that’s the female damsel JA for me.

Now we sleep in silence, walk in silence, do everything in silence but there is constant fight for the control over the remote. If I reach earlier, the remote is undeniably mine. Since the last few days I have the control on the remote, which makes her dive into the bed ever earlier. I play it late into the night and in the morning I pull the curtains so that some light can penetrate in her life. Some people can get the devil out of me.

All said and done, I still have one last question. I get very curious these days. Will she ever wash her hair again?

Ladies- Easy Ways to Feel Good

Instant Gratification for Ladeeegz ONLY

1. Eat Chocolates
2. Buy New clothes and wear them.
3.Buy a new pair of heels and feel 2-3 inches taller. The view up there looks really good.
4.Have a nice hot bath with bubbles n ducks floating around.
5. Wear nice perfume.
6. Get a haircut.
7.Wear make up and feel brand new.
8.Gossip with your friends about someone you dislike. Will make you feel good about yourself.
9.Go out of your house and roam around in the crowd.
10.Hear someone has failed in an exam->gloat and realize that all of us are in the same ship.
11.Make eye contact with a desperado and see what it does to you. (Pls beware of gays).
12.Eat something really fatty
13. Listen to loud music and even better howl along.
14.Ride a bike or your car.
15.Get drenched in the rain.
16.Watch nice movies in a theatre with popcorns, samosas and yes do find a sponsorer.
17.Jump up and down on your bed.
18.Play with your dog.
19.Buy something new.
20.Take a stick and beat your mattress.
21.Apply Navratna Tel and feel Kewl.
22.Go to your terrace and scream out your lungs.
23.Ring somebody’s doorbell and run without looking back.
24. See how far you can stretch your lips to the north, while looking in the mirror.
25. Sleep.
26.Get a foot & back Massage.
27. Wait for your salary day. Even better wait for you husband's salary day :P
28.Eat Pani Puri.
29.Put somebody's face on the Dart board and aim for it. ( U know who...)
30.Wink your eyes as fast as you can and speak simultaneously. Check who wins your mouth or your lashes
31. Turn round and round and round till you lose your senses
32. Many more.....

For Men
1. Drink
2..
.
.
.
31. Drink.